


never ending nightmares i restarted

by bunnyoonoh (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Childhood Friends, Doyoung centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exes, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, More tags to be added, Nightmares, References to Depression, Slice of Life, im bad at tagging, jaehyun is whipped, taeten are in an open relationship, yuwin if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:28:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23261737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/bunnyoonoh
Summary: Doyoung doesn't want to face the man that has been the reason behind his nightmares, yet here he is on the couch, right in front of him, trying to find some kind of closure to end all of it.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 31





	never ending nightmares i restarted

**Author's Note:**

> hi, it's yana!
> 
> this is my very first fic so i hope it goes well :D  
> english isn't really my first language so i hope you don't mind the grammatical errors you might stumble upon  
> read this with caution, some things here might be triggering so please read the tags before proceeding
> 
> big thank you to v and scarlett for helping me edit this, couldn't do it without you guys <3

It was a warm summer night when Doyoung bolts awake from his slumber. He feels beads of sweat trickling down his forehead and his clothes cling onto his body. He sits up to search for the pills he keeps in his nightstand drawer and a bottle of water he places on the floor near his bed when times like these occur. He plops them in and takes a big gulp of the water, carefully placing it back onto the floor. His breathing is heavy, head-spinning as he tries to comprehend what had just happened. The room feels a little suffocating, the air being too warm as Doyoung opted to open his window instead of turning on the AC. He closes his eyes and buries his head in between his legs, shutting his eyes so tightly that he sees spots of white. 

"It was just a nightmare, it wasn't real," Doyoung chants to himself as he rocks back and forth on the bed.

A familiar face keeps on popping into Doyoung's mind causing him to grunt, tightening his grip on his biceps. He just wanted that imagine gone for _good_.

Nightmares were a reoccurring thing for Doyoung ever since he was a child. It wasn't unusual for him to wake up so early in the morning, drenched in sweat as he screams at the top of his lungs waking his mother in the process. Doyoung didn't know what triggered it but he just remembers one night having a really bad dream and shrugging it off as a one-time thing. That is, it happened the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that till Doyoung realized a month had already passed that these nightmares kept getting worse. He didn't tell his mother until Mama Kim herself saw her son dozing off at breakfast, looking straight ahead instead of munching on his favorite cereal. She noticed how Doyoung started wearing more long sleeves nowadays in the middle of autumn and how his eye bags were getting darker as every day passed by. She asked Doyoung if _everything was alright_ and all he gave her was a simple nod. 

Mama Kim finally confirmed her suspicions when she woke up early in the morning to her son's loud scream. She rushed to his room to find him clinging tightly onto his hair, deep scratches evident on his arm as blood trickled down onto the bed sheets. His sobs were loud, piercing right through his mother's heart as she held him tightly whispering soothing words to calm him down. The next day Doyoung was brought to a psychiatrist, the doctor eyed his bandages around his small arms as she gave him a soft smile. 

_"Hello Doyoung-ah, I'll be your attending doctor,"_ the woman softly said, kneeling down in front of Doyoung, a hand extended towards him.

He grabbed the soft hand and gently shook it. The doctor gave him another smile which made Doyoung feel comfortable. Midway into his session with his doctor, the psychiatrist recommended to do some tests on the young boy to determine his state.

Later that week they were called in again to the hospital. Doyoung was diagnosed with dream anxiety disorder.

With his tests coming out positive for anxiety, the doctor had requested for the young boy to take medications that could help him lessen the nightmares and have weekly sessions with her. 

That was how a decade's worth of his life ran for Doyoung, seeing the plain white walls of his doctor's office and leaving with a brand new prescription of his medications in his hand. It was suffocating.

Doyoung could feel his medications finally settle in his body. His mind feeling a little bit lighter than earlier and his grip loosening. He laid down on his bed again, an arm on top of his eyes as his breathing started to even out. He just wanted it to stop. 

_Why did I dream of him again?_

Doyoung falls back to sleep.

**❀❀❀**

"Doyoung, just come to the party please!"

He rolls his eyes as he focuses on the drama playing on the television in front of them, choosing to ignore his best friend who has been nagging him since the moment he stepped foot into their shared apartment.

"Ya! Doyoung, don't disrespect your hyung like that, you know better than this," the elder boy huffs out but Doyoung pays him no mind.

The tv suddenly turns black and Doyoung stops munching on his chips to whip his head to his left, "Taeyong, why did you do that!?"

Taeyong smirks proudly at Doyoung, his left hand gripping onto the remote control.

"Turn it back on, Taeyong," Doyoung grunts out as he places the bag of chips on the coffee table.

"Go to the party with me and I'll turn it back again," Taeyong tries to persuade but he just gets a lifted eyebrow as a response.

"Fine, I'll go to my room then," the younger announces as he lifts himself off the couch but before he could get on his feet, he gets pulled back down on the soft cushions.

"You're no fun!" Taeyong pouts, "All I'm asking from you is to accompany me to the party downtown."

"Why?"

"Because," Taeyong starts, "you're my best friend"

Doyoung raises an eyebrow, "I ain't buying it, is this about Johnny again?"

"Heh, it might be…?" Taeyong chuckles nervously 

"Taeyong, as much as I love you, I don't really wanna help you with your sexcapades. Why don't you ask Ten to go with you instead?" 

Doyoung feels the elder tense by the mention of the Thai man's name as he diverts his eyes. _Huh, looks like they fought again_.

He frowns, "What happened?"

Taeyong shakes his head, "Nothing. Just the usual, I guess."

Doyoung sighs, he doesn't attempt to pry anymore, he already knows the reason for their fight.

"Come on, Dons. You know I won't back down till you say yes."

And Taeyong was right. Doyoung perfectly knew how dedicated Taeyong was when he had a goal in mind, _he never backed down_. He grew up with him after all, they were inseparable when they were young, glued to the hip as their parents would say. The bleach-blonde boy had managed to make Doyoung change into a cute outfit suited for the nightlife and dragged him to the luxurious bar he was supposed to meet Johnny at. The same bar he quit from and was trying to avoid going to for the past six months. Despite his fear of encountering _him_ there, he had to do this for his best friend. Taeyong assured the elder that he won't come to the bar since he had a party to attend to that night.

_"Johnny told me he had a hectic schedule tonight, a ball I think? So the possibility of you encountering him is slim, Dons."_

As soon as they arrived at the venue, Doyoung had immediately lost Taeyong. He assumed the elder had gone straight to the back of the bar to look for Johnny at one of the high-class lounges. It amazed Doyoung that even months of not coming back here, the bouncer had still let him and Taeyong pass through. That was one of Doyoung's worries as well, the employees here were close with their boss. He was afraid of getting caught.

_"Nonsense! Chanyeol is on leave for his honeymoon so I think Jackson is in charge of the door tonight."_

_"What about Yuta? Is he tending tonight?"_

_"Nah, Sicheng brought him to the same ball he's attending. We're good, don't worry too much about it."_

But Doyoung couldn't help thinking about it. He couldn't stop thinking about how someone here could snitch on him and at any minute, he could show up. His palms were starting to get clammy with the thought of him being here. His heartbeat pumping quickly, head getting dizzy as the back of his head started to hurt. He wasn't ready to face that man again.

_I don't want to see him_

Doyoung takes a deep breath from the stool he sat on, elbows propped onto the wooden bar table as he covered his eyes using his right hand as soft jazz music played in the background. He just needed to stay there for an hour or two for Taeyong and leave once he saw his best friend exit or at least text him he was leaving with the 6-foot man in tow. He was going to kill Taeyong if he didn't go back to Johnny's apartment and do god knows what. A soft voice breaks his trance.

"Doyoung-hyung, is that you?"

He raises his head to see who called his name. His eyes met a pair of soft ones, dark red hair styled back. He was wearing the bar's signature sleek black uniform that complemented the golden interior design of the bar. Doyoung straightened his back, sitting up properly on the bar stool.

"Hey Jungwoo," he says softly, "what are you doing here?"

Jungwoo chuckles, "what do you think, hyung? I'm tending the bar tonight."

Doyoung feels his cheeks heat up from embarrassment. He mumbles a small _'I knew that'_ as the young bartender laughs at his hyung. Jungwoo asks Doyoung if he wants a drink and the elder asks for the cheapest glass of red wine on the menu. Jungwoo raises an eyebrow and asks if he was sure since Doyoung usually drank a glass of Dom Pérignon, one of the most expensive red wines served at the bar, but that was back when he used to work here and his drinks were always shouldered by the bar then. The elder just nods and the bartender goes to the back to fetch him his drink. He comes back with a black wine bottle, a very familiar one as Doyoung gapes at it. He tries to refuse the younger but he was too late as Jungwoo pops it open and gives Doyoung a big smile.

_"Don't worry, hyung. It's on me."_

Doyoung sits comfortably as he sips his wine. Sighing softly in delight as he tastes it again after months of not being able to get his hands on it (he saw the bottle being sold at the grocery store last week but as soon as he saw the price he wanted to scream and throw the bottle out the window).

"Haven't seen you in months, hyung. What have you been up to lately?" Jungwoo asks as he leans forward, his chin placed on top of his delicate hand.

"Mhmm, I applied as a music teacher at this local pre-school near my apartment."

"Oh that's cute! I remember how much you adore kids and it's a bonus that you're teaching them music." Jungwoo brims.

The elder smiles as he remembers the adorable little faces of his students every time he sang in front of them. Doyoung started working at the pre-school Ten was working at. He was really hesitant at first, being jobless for almost four-month had really set his nerves into a frenzy when Ten suggested he should apply.

"I sense a but coming," Jungwoo says as he switches hands so his left one is supporting his head instead.

Doyoung giggles and shakes his head, "no but, Woo. I enjoy my job now."

"Don't you miss performing, hyung?" Jungwoo tilts his head, leaning a bit more towards Doyoung.

Doyoung hums as he plays with his empty glass in which Jungwoo notices and pours him more of the red wine, "I kinda do."

"Why did you quit then, hyung?"

Doyoung feels his eyes widen at the sudden question. He diverts his eyes elsewhere, too afraid of confrontation. Jungwoo could sense the change of mood but tries his best to find out as to why his hyung left the establishment without telling him or the others.

"You know," Jungwoo straightens his posture, "the stage hasn't felt the same since you left. You should try and sing tonight, it's an open mic anyways."

Doyoung's head looks to his left where the stage was located. As Jungwoo said, there stood in the middle of the stage was a lone mic ready to be used. He looks at the stage longingly, smiles at the great memories he had created here but slowly looks back at his hands, trying his best not to look Jungwoo in the eyes. How could Doyoung tell him that he stopped performing so he could avoid a certain someone. No one at the bar really knew why Doyoung suddenly just left. He had only told Taeyong and Ten the real reason.

"Jungwoo!” a voice shouts from the storage room door, “Yuta hyung is on the phone looking for you," 

The two look at the head peering from the door that was staring at Jungwoo with a blank expression. The young bartender heaves a long sigh, “He is probably gonna ask about the upcoming shipment,” he tells himself but Doyoung hears him anyway.

"Alright. You tend the bar for the moment, Dejun," the younger shouts back as he looks back to Doyoung, "I'll be right back, Doyoung hyung."

He nods his head accompanied with a soft smile as the younger rushes behind the bar and the new employee tends for the night. Doyoung sighs and finishes his wine, Dejun comes near and pours him another glass then tends to the other customers. He pockets out his phone as he wonders what time it is already. The screen shows it was already a quarter to eleven, he had been talking with Jungwoo for an hour already. He feels his heart beat quicken as soon as he looks at the notifications. He sees numerous messages and a couple of missed calls from both Taeyong and Ten. Doyoung opens Ten's first and scrolls down their chatbox.

_**14 missed calls from tennie** _  
_**tennie** _  
_**21:39** _  
_hey u w ty?_  
_i passed by the apartment and saw the lights off_  
_hope u two r safe_

_**tennie** _  
_**22:13** _  
_okay so yuta called me out of nowhere asking where u were_  
_r u in trouble or smth?_  
_pls answer_

_**tennie** _  
_**22:27** _  
_dons_  
_dons answer ur phone pls_  
_im coming to the bar_

_**tennie** _  
_**22:39** _  
_doyoung ffs answer ur phone!!!_  
_DOYOUNG_  
_KIM DOYOUNG_

_**tennie** _  
_**22:43** _  
_doyoung get the fuck out of there_

_**8 missed calls from yongie** _  
_**yongie** _  
_**22:01** _  
_hey you still there?_  
_i already left with johnny so you can leave now btw_  
_ten texted me lol_  
_he was looking for you_  
_you should text him back_

_**yongie** _  
_**22:44** _  
_doyoung holy shit_  
_doyoung you have to leave now_  
_leave the bar NOW_

Doyoung was starting to panic from reading the messages his friends had sent him. They didn’t tell the exact reason why he needed to leave but he had a huge intuition that he didn't want to prove right. _No, no, no, no, not today,_ Doyoung said to himself as he drowned the remainder of his wine. He stood up from the barstool and made his way through the crowd of people gathered in the middle of the bar. The music suddenly disappearing, the silence becoming deafening. His surroundings felt a little bit blurry but he tried his best to walk and find the exit. A familiar double velvet door catches his eye as he marches forth towards it.

_Just a bit more_

The doors drew closer and closer to Doyoung's peripheral. His heartbeat never showing any signs of slowing down as he felt his whole body sweat up from the adrenaline. Doyoung could feel his chest crumple so tightly that he found it hard to breathe. He just needed to get out of there and feel the refreshing air again. Doyoung was a few meters away from freedom when he felt something rough grab his wrist causing him to halt in his tracks. He could feel him, the warmth radiating from his hand alone had Doyoung wanting to run. The hand softly tugged Doyoung from his place causing him to look up.

"Doyoung," he softly utters, loud enough for the elder to hear.

There stood, right in front Doyoung, was the man he had been trying to avoid all night long. The man he's been hiding from for almost six months. The man that haunts and keeps Doyoung awake so late at night. The sole figure who kept on reappearing in Doyoung’s dreams.

_**"Jaehyun"** _

**❀❀❀**

****

Doyoung remembers the first time he met Jaehyun.

He was thirteen, Jaehyun was twelve.

It was difficult for Doyoung to make friends as he was usually mocked for having big front teeth and heavy colored eye bags at such a young age. He was usually accompanied by Taeyong in grade school but they had to part ways as Taeyong's father had landed a promotion that required them to relocate to Busan. After Taeyong's departure, Doyoung didn't have anyone but his mother till one session with his psychiatrist changed it. He sat alone in front of his doctor as his mother left him as usual in her office to do groceries. 

"Doyoung- ah, your recent tests have shown some improvement in comparison to our last test. Would you like to se–"

She was quickly cut off by the door sliding open loudly, a whaling sound accompanied by rushing footsteps echoed through the room, startling Doyoung.

"Mama! Mama!!" A voice cried out as a figure rushed quickly to the doctor's side.

The woman quickly lifts up a crying child to her lap and coos him. He continues crying in her chest.

"Yoonoh, sweetie, what happened?" the doctor carefully asks as the young child's cries slowly die down.

"P-papa," he tries to say, "papa."

"What about papa, sweetheart?" She asks as she wipes his tears away with her hands.

Before the boy could respond, heavy footsteps echoed through the hallway. Doyoung could feel another presence enter the room so he turned around to see a man dressed in a luxurious suit, designed to perfection. The man radiated such powerful energy, it made Doyoung cling onto his seat tightly. The man only stared at Doyoung’s doctor and the young child on her lap and on cue, another wave of crying started once again.

"Yoonoh, stop crying," The man says harshly, only resulting in the child crying even harder.

"Don't talk to him like that, you're making it worse– oh Yoonoh, don't cry," The doctor says, reaching out to get some tissues.

The man tsks at the action, "Stop spoiling him so much."

"I'm taking care of my child as I should be," She responds as she whispers soothing words, the young boy's cries die down once again, "What did you even do to him?"

"We need to talk," The man says, avoiding the question.

"As you can very much see, I'm quite busy handling our child who happened to cut me midway through a session."

"Then wrap it up. We need to talk."

Doyoung could feel the tenseness in the air, it made him uncomfortable. Before he knew it he was standing up from his seat and making his way near the doctor. Doyoung didn't know what came over him, but he offered to take his doctor’s son so she could have her conversation with what Doyoung guessed was her husband. Yet here he is, walking out hand in hand with a teary-eyed little boy that wasn’t much older than himself. They walked to the waiting area where a few seats were placed, Doyoung sitting on the sofa while the boy mimicked his actions. Doyoung heard him sniffle beside him so he grabbed something from his back pocket.

“Here,” He offered his handkerchief to the boy. The boy looked up at him agape with tear-filled eyes, “Thank you,” He muttered softly as he took the handkerchief from the elder’s hands and wiped his eyes with it. Doyoung smiled softly at the boy who’s still sniffling beside him, he’s so fragile. “Your name is Yoonoh, right?”

The boy’s head jerks up to Doyoung again and shakes his head, “No, it's just a nickname eomma uses.” Doyoung tilts his head, “Then what’s your real name?”

“Jaehyun,” He whispers but Doyoung hears it. Jaehyun seemed shy, too timid to look at Doyoung like he was afraid of him. “Well Jaehyun– I can call you Jaehyun right?,” He nods, “you can call me Doyoung hyung.” Jaehyun smiles at him and that’s when Doyoung notices dimples on each side of his cheeks. It was adorable seeing how this boy could captivate anyone with a simple smile.

After a while they got to chat a bit, finding out more and more about each other. To Doyoung, it felt more like he was catching up with an old friend rather than just meeting one. He and Jaehyun got to talk about how Jaehyun was going to high school the year after this school year, their favorite cartoon shows, and which Voltron character they liked the most (they both argued over Keith cause they wanted to control the Black Lion). Their chat, however, had come to an end when Jaehyun stopped midway into his sentence of his list of action figures because a hand had clapped onto his shoulder. It was his father’s hand and beside him was his mother with a soft smile plastered onto her face. His father told them that he and Jaehyun should head out first since Doyoung still needed to finish his session with doctor Jung. Jaehyun just shook his head and said I don’t want to leave, _Doyoungie hyung_ which caused an argument between father and son soon resulting in Jaehyun having a fit and bursting into tears again. He screamed so loudly that he didn’t want to leave his hyung, he wouldn’t leave without his hyung. His parents tried to stop him but it just made Jaehyun’s sobs even louder.

“Jaehyun-ah,” Doyoung grabs both of his hands, “you need to go home.”

The boy sobs and hiccups, “No, I’m not g-going to leave without you.” Doyoung gives him a sad smile, “We’ll meet again, Jaehyun. Don’t worry.”

Jaehyun's eyes lit up, “Really?"

“Really.”

And Doyoung did keep his word. His next session with his doctor he was tackled to the ground by someone as soon as he slid the door open. Jaehyun hugged his hyung tightly as he got scolded by his mother afterwards. They always bonded when Doyoung’s sessions ended. And surprisingly, Doyoung’s nightmares had lessened after he and Jaehyun had strengthened their bond. It had great results in which Dr. Jung had said that Doyoung could do weekly check-ups instead of his daily ones.

But that didn’t stop Jaehyun from reaching out to Doyoung.

After his classes, Jaehyun would always go to Doyoung’s school and walk him back home. It went to a point that Jaehyun was already sleeping over at Doyoung’s house, too tired to go back home despite the fact that he could get a chauffeur to pick him up. He just wanted to protect his hyung from the horrible nightmares he always had to endure, ready to wake up in the middle of the night to hug and comfort Doyoung back to sleep and stop him from harming himself again. Jaehyun felt that Doyoung’s pain was his own, that every nightmare he endured and had, Jaehyun was his as well.

In return, Doyoung would often spend his time with the younger during the weekends as his parents were always busy at work providing for Jaehyun. They’d usually go to the ice cream parlor near the grove or be at each other’s houses (they would be usually more at Doyoung’s since Jaehyun always whined it was cozier there than his place).

Despite them having a one year age gap, Jaehyun strived his best to catch-up with his Doyoung hyung all his high school life. He did his best to get noticed by his hyung that he hadn't realized that he was already attracting the entire student population with his admirable skills. Everyone was in love with Jaehyun as he got confessions left and right, Doyoung would always end up helping Jaehyun eat all of the chocolates and homemade meals he had gotten whenever the elder slept at the younger’s house. Doyoung wasn’t oblivious, however, with Jaehyun’s intentions. Doyoung was very appreciative of Jaehyun's motives but he was convinced that it was just childhood puppy love that had yet to grow out of Jaehyun's system.

Jaehyun couldn't possibly be into him.

Doyoung couldn’t be with Jaehyun. He just _couldn’t_.

In Doyoung’s perspective, he and Jaehyun weren’t equals. Jaehyun grew up from a wealthy family. Having a father who was globally known for being a multimillionaire tycoon and a mother who was an excellent doctor in her field who happened to work in a hospital their family-owned. It had its major advantages in Jaehyun’s life as he was given everything to him with a snap of his fingers. He hadn’t worked for anything in his life to get the things he wanted in his life, Doyoung, on the other hand, was born with only his mother beside his side to raise and support him. His mother worked at the local market in Seoul, having her own store to manage that opened at 5 in the morning and closed when 6 in the evening approached and at some point, Doyoung had ended up helping his mother as well at the market on weekends just to get through the month.

Doyoung repressed his growing feelings for Jaehyun as the years passed. He felt he didn't deserve to love a boy so young and pure his age. He believed that Jaehyun should be with someone his level, someone with definite eloquence and elegance that only Jaehyun could match in which Doyoung could never be. He repeated to himself that these affectionate moves Jaehyun was making were all infatuation and was returning the kindness Doyoung had shown him throughout his childhood.

Around after Doyoung's graduation, Jaehyun had driven them off to their usual spot by the cliff located in the woods so no one could disrupt them. It was quiet, serene, and peaceful like the soft sounds of the wind chimes create on a windy day. Jaehyun had popped the trunk open of the car his dad had handed him down when he entered high school and passed Doyoung a can of beer he had bought along the way. They sat in silence, basked under the white glow of the moon as they quietly drank down their drinks. Doyoung was definitely tired from his graduation after waiting for so long to be called on stage to get his diploma and a thanksgiving song accompanied by a sobbing Mama Kim clinging tightly onto her freshly graduated high school son. But that didn't mean he hadn't noticed how indifferent Jaehyun was acting all day long.

It was at the moment Jaehyun and he had seen each other before the ceremonial rights commenced that he felt something was unusual. He had been fidgeting all day and looked impatient as time passed by the event. It was kind of a shock when he asked his hyung if he was free after the graduation that he wanted to meet up with him. Mama Kim seemed to know something about since she had just let Doyoung go without a fuss. Doyoung noticed how after he and Jaehyun clicked their cans together that the younger chugged his can in one go and reached for a new one.

_Something was wrong_

Before Doyoung could ask, Jaheyun beat him to it. Uttering the words that made Doyoung's heart shatter for the first time in his life.

"Hyung, I'm moving to the States."

Doyoung almost drops his can from the shock. He whips his head, eyes wide as he looks at the dimpled boy beside him. Jaehyun was toying with the pull tab of his can. “When?” was the first thing Doyoung asked after a minute of silence. “Tomorrow,” he mumbles.

Doyoung could feel his eyebrows furrow, why was Jaehyun just saying this now? “Since when did your parents decide this?”

“Two months ago. But I swear I was supposed to tell you sooner!”

“Why are you only telling me this now, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun opened his mouth but closed it afterwards. He shifted a bit where he sat as Doyoung let out an exasperated sigh. Doyoung felt a lot of emotions running through his veins right now. Sadness? Anger? Betrayal? But Doyoung was sure of one thing, he felt like Jaehyun didn’t trust him. Thinking about it right now, Doyoung didn’t know much about Jaehyun’s personal life other than his lifestyle. Every time Doyoung would ask, Jaehyun shrugged it off and changed the topic. Tonight was supposed to be a celebration of years of hard work, something that Doyoung wanted to look back at and remember that he spent his last day in high school and _hopefully_ start his college life with the person closest to him.

“I-I was afraid,” he replies back as he rips off the pull tab of the can. 

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid that you’d leave me, hyung.”

Doyoung scoffs which causes Jaehyun to look up at him, “Me? Leaving you? That’s kind of ironic coming from you since you’re the one moving to another country tomorrow,” he says in one breathe and quickly gulps down his beer, “I’ve had enough of this night, let’s get out of here.” Doyoung makes an attempt to jump off the trunk but Jaehyun quickly grabs onto his shoulder, “Hyung, wait – listen to me.”

“What Jaehyun? What else do you have to say? You’re gonna make up some lame excuse again, huh?” Doyoung retorts as he pushes Jaehyun's hand off his shoulder, "What? Answer me!"

Jaehyun looked like a deer caught in headlights, shocked at his hyung. He wasn't able to utter any words which caused Doyoung to laugh bitterly, "Let's just go Jaehyun."

Doyoung turns his back, his hand on to the door handle when Jaehyun speaks up causing him to stop from opening the door, "Doyoung, I love you."

Doyoung doesn't look back at Jaehyun when he replies, "It's the alcohol talking, Jae. Come on."

"No, Doyoung. I'm seri–"

"I don't really wanna hear it. Let's go home, now. _Please_ ," Doyoung pleads and Jaehyun could never say no to a pleading Doyoung.

Jaehyun drops off Doyoung at his house as they mumble emotionless goodbyes to each other knowing it'll be their last. When Doyoung enters the house, it's silent. The only light turned on was coming from the kitchen, Doyoung guessed that his mom was already fast asleep. His chest felt heavy as soon as he laid down on his bed ready to rest for the night.

Doyoung’s biggest regret was not being able to confess his feelings for Jaehyun that night. He remembers waking up the next morning trying his best to catch the eight forty-five train to Incheon airport to go and tell Jaehyun but there were too many people on the train, it took Doyoung four trains to pass him by before he could even get on one. So by the time he got to the airport, he was already too late. Jaehyun’s flight had already left Seoul and Doyoung with an aching broken heart. 

They have never tried to contact each other ever since.

Doyoung and Jaehyun met each other again at the elder’s university several years after Jaehyun’s departure. Doyoung was running late to his sixth class of the day, being held back by his professor because of a minor mistake Doyoung had made in his presentation. He runs through the corridors, head focused on getting to his class on the fourth floor that he accidentally bumps into a body at the staircase causing both of them to stumble down onto the floor and their things flying at everyone. Coincidentally, it was Jaehyun who he bumped into at the stairwell. The younger had refused to let the elder go so Doyoung had agreed on meeting Jaehyun somewhere after his study group that day. He and Jaehyun had started dating a month later and lasted for about four years till Doyoung finally broke it off.

**❀❀❀**

****

He looks at Jaehyun again, eyes scanning him carefully as he tries to internalize that _this_ was real. That Jaehyun was _definitely_ holding his wrist at the moment and it wasn't another dream his brain was trying to trick him with. Doyoung sighs, feeling his heartbeat rapidly beating and his stomach churn at just looking at the man in front of him. The younger was wearing a crisp white suit tailored into perfection as it snugged perfectly onto his body. His once brown chestnut hair was now dyed, into what Doyoung presumes, prussian blue as it was styled and gelled back, his delicate yet sharp features standing out. It looked like Jaehyun had rushed over here from the ball he was attending, the one Taeyong had mentioned earlier. Doyoung felt small, inferior compared to how Jaehyun looked. He just had worn a simple white tee with jeans, sneakers and his black leather jacket. He was really out of place.

"Doyoung," Jaehyun belts out again, puffing out heavily, "what are you doing here?"

His hand is still warm on Doyoung's wrist and it clearly looks like he has no intention of letting it go despite Doyoung's not-so-subtle gazes at his hand. He frowns and mumbles his response softly.

"I was just - just," he gulps his spit in and breathes in heavily, "I was just accompanying Taeyong here." The younger's gaze quickly changes from hopeful ones to something Doyoung couldn't quite put his finger on. There was silence after that. It was awkward how they stood there near the entrance of the bar, Jaehyun still not letting go of Doyoung's hand.

"Well, um… I need to get going now, Jaehyun-ah," Doyoung says as he tries to tug his arm back but as soon as his wrist slips away from Jaehyun's hold, the grasp suddenly tightens. "No!" Jaehyun shouts so loudly that it ends up getting stares from the bar's patrons afterwards he mumbles a soft 'sorry'. He looks back at his hyung that is now flushed red from the embarrassment, "Hyung, we need a long-overdue talk."

Doyoung could feel his eyes start to sting but he tried his best to hold them in,"Jaehyun, I can't. I–I need to get home."

Jaehyun cocks an eyebrow at him, "Why?" Doyoung feels his body heat up, sweat start to form on his forehead. _I need to make a believable excuse._ "Taeyong is waiting up for me back at the apartment." He sees Jaehyun frown at his response, "Hyung there's no need to lie to me, I know Taeyong hyung is with Johnny right now." 

Doyoung stiffens, he didn’t know what to do. He just got caught, how could he escape this situation. Before he could stutter out another excuse he feels somebody pull him backward causing the hand on his wrist to let go. A figure stands between him and Jaehyun, an arm in front of Doyoung as it was trying to protect him.

“Ten hyung”

“Hey Jaehyun, hope I wasn’t interrupting anything”

“Actually–” before the younger could respond, Ten interrupts him, “Really? Great! Me and Doyoung will be taking our leave then.'' Ten grabs Doyoung by the arm and walks out the bar door hastily. When Doyoung gets seated comfortably in the passenger seat, he looks out the window to see Jaehyun with his arms crossed elegantly, face holding no emotion but Doyoung could see in his eyes that he felt something beyond what his expression was trying to convey. Jaehyun was looking at the car blankly, directly at Doyoung’s car window. Even as Ten drove the car off the lot, Doyoung could still feel Jaehyun's heated gaze.

Doyoung hated this.

**❀❀❀**

****

_“You’re a fucking idiot, Taeyong! What made you think bringing him back to that shit hole was a good idea?”_

That was the first thing Doyoung heard as soon as he woke up the next morning. Well, _afternoon_. It seemed it was already around noon as the sun was ready to set. Being able to sleep for more than 10 hours was still a mystery to Doyoung as he rubbed his swollen eyes. When he and Ten got home he immediately locked himself in his room and broke down into a fit of tears by the door, his legs giving up as he entered his room. Doyoung didn’t want to let Ten see him weak again after feeling like a burden to him and Taeyong for the past six months of trying to cope with the emptiness he had created in his heart. Ten tried his best to get inside Doyoung’s room but gave up after half an hour remembering how stubborn his best friend was. Ten tries again to enter the boy’s room and to his avail, he sees him passed out on the floor sleeping. He frowns at the sight of Doyoung’s tear-stained cheeks and starts to help his best friend get onto his bed. He placed a soft kiss on his forehead when he finished taking off Doyoung’s jacket and pants and had placed his blanket on him. 

Doyoung was kind of surprised he didn’t wake up again midway into his slumber, another nightmare ready to attack him. Maybe his body was too exhausted to trigger one. He sits up on his bed and groans as he feels his head throb, his eyes and throat dry from all the screaming and crying he did last night. He squeezes his eyes, attempting to ease and soothe away the pain but unfortunately did not work. 

Seeing Jaehyun again after so long had such an effect on Doyoung as the elder tried his best to avoid the younger after their messy break-up. Doyoung knew his reasons were right and he was really trying his best to stand by them but _damn_. It was difficult not hearing Jaehyun for such a long time. Doyoung had to squeeze himself every single night to Ten and Taeyong’s queen size bed just because he was always tempted to call Jaehyun again and his best friends grounded him. They were worried as well as Doyoung’s nightmares were acting up again after being dormant for quite a while now. It scared them how they woke up from Doyoung’s screams. Sometimes the next morning they'd see him staring out the window, his fingernails filled with dried up blood with scratches on his forearms just like he was young.

Doyoung sees his phone placed on his nightstand so he grabs it and looks at the notifications. He notices he has a few missed calls and texts from an unknown number. It was probably Jaehyun since Doyoung blocked his number and social media accounts. 

_**+82-195-5510-460** _  
_**23:31** _  
_hyunf_  
_hyung_  
_**23:32** _  
_hyung please andwer_  
_please_  
_doie_

There were more messages leading after that but Doyoung didn’t bother reading through all of them. Doyoung tears his gaze away from his phone as he hears his roommates’ argument become even more heated. Taeyong raises his voice, something he'd never do unless he was really mad.

_“I said I’m sorry okay! Don’t fucking lash out on me, Ten. I didn’t know Jaehyun was going to be there. Johnny told me he was go—”_

_“And you believed him?”_

There was an eerie silence after Ten spoke. Doyoung felt his heartbeat thumping loudly, his senses heightened as he awaited Taeyong's response. He starts to doze off back to sleep when he suddenly hears a loud crash. He stands up in instinct and rushes out of his room. 

In the living room, his best friends stood in front of one another. Ten was in a squatting position, his head in his arms. He had his back at Doyoung while Taeyong looked at the former with a shocked expression. Doyoung sees a broken vase shattered on the floor near the two. The wall had a small crack from the impact the vase had caused. "What happened?" Doyoung asks as he slowly approaches the two. Ten raises his head to look at Doyoung.

"Hey Dons," Ten smiles warily as he stands up, "you just woke up?"

 _"What happened?"_ Doyoung repeats his eyes shifting between him and Taeyong. Ten sighs as he rubs the palm of his hand onto his face while Taeyong looks down at his feet, "I threw the vase at the wall. I'm sorry."

Doyoung frowns as he clenches both of his fists, "Why are you guys arguing? You told me you would both stop."

Ten looks at Taeyong who still didn't lift his gaze from his feet. Doyoung fights back a hiccup but before he could release it, tears start to well up and pour down onto his cheeks again, his head starts to pound again as it hasn't recovered from Doyoung's previous session. The two boys start to go beside his side and guide him on their sofa but Doyoung stops them both.

"P-Please, do-don't fight," he tries to say in between his sobs, "please don't break-up. Please, I can't lose you both if you fight. Please," Doyoung pleads.

They both mutter apologizes to Doyoung that day until he falls asleep again due to exhaustion. The two look at him curled up sleeping peacefully on the couch. Taeyong reaches for Ten's hand and places a soft kiss on top of it, "I'm sorry. For acting stupidly again. I was being selfish."

Ten frowns but pulls the elder into a hug, burying his face onto Taeyong's neck as he tries to take a whiff of his scent, something that soothes Ten's mood. "I'm sorry too, for raising my voice and being rude. And yes, you were being selfish." Taeyong whines as Ten chuckles, "Don't worry," he says as he places his hands around Taeyong's neck, "I still love you either way."

Doyoung woke up an hour later and was happy to see his best friends snuggled up against the floor watching some teledrama in front of them. All of them ate dinner cooked by Taeying himself and afterwards prepared for bed. The couple had suggested to Doyoung that he should sleep with them tonight but the elder declined as he wanted to give the two some privacy tonight since they had only just made up from their fight.

Doyoung only has a faint memory of the familiar tone of his phone ringing through his room as his eyes flutter close, sleep consuming him once again and, hopefully, would be till morning approaches.

He didn't want to see him again tonight.

**❀❀❀**

****

A month had already passed ever since Doyoung's encounter with Jaehyun at the bar. Doyoung's nightmares have become so violent compared to his previous episodes since that night. He had kept it for about a week till Taeyong had woken up at 3 AM to the sound of Doyoung’s screams again. Doyoung was on his knees, breathing heavily as he clutched the floor. He approached him slowly and looked for the younger’s medications to drink. Ten wasn’t home that time to help out Taeyong but he made sure that Doyoung took twice the sessions he used to take before the whole Jaehyun fiasco happened.

Doyoung didn’t let his problems get in the way of his career. He was at work, finishing filing the remaining of his boss's reports despite Taeil's protests that he can finish them tomorrow. But Doyoung, being the workaholic that he is, reassures his boss that he'll finish before 9 and head back to his apartment by then. Midway into his work, his telephone rings on his table. He eyes it for a moment pondering who could it be so he picks it up on the third ring.

"Hey Doyoung"  


"Hey Chungha, I thought you went home already," Doyoung says as he leans back and starts to sway using his chair.

There's a soft chuckle on the line, "I was supposed to, yeah but I forgot my purse at the front desk."

Doyoung lets out an _ahhh_ as the line goes quiet for a second. He hears a faint coughing at the background which causes Chungha to speak again, "Um, there's someone here to see you by the way." Doyoung stops spinning, "who is it?"

"It's Mr. Seo from the Jung Corp, he was waiting here when I arrived and I told him we were already off office hours but he wouldn't take no for an answer," Doyoung could sense how upset it made Chungha that Johnny was holding her off her leisure time. With a heavy sigh Doyoung says send him up which earns him multiple thank you's from the young woman then the line goes dead.

Johnny sat across Doyoung in his small office. Legs crossed as Doyoung stared at the elder man. Doyoung's work was long gone as Johnny typed away on his phone. He felt his stomach churn, an unsettling feeling start to place itself within Doyoung's head.

"What are you doing here, hyung"

“How have you been, Doyoung?”

“I’m doing okay, hyung. Please don’t avoid the question, you’re making me paranoid.”

Johnny gives Doyoung a small smile, "I know you know why I'm exactly here, Doyoung."

Doyoung frowns and grunts, his hands coming to rub his face, "No, I– why hyung?"

Johnny stays still for a moment, his head looking out the window admiring the illuminated lights Seoul displays, "He isn't in his right state of mind since you left, Doyoung. I found out why you really left– it's hard, you know?" Johnny bites his lip as if he was remembering everything he’s seen through the months, "it's hard to see him like that everyday."

Johnny wasn't usually the nosy type. He hated meddling into the affairs of others, he'd usually let them be and solve it on their own. Doyoung wondered what made Johnny snap so hard that it had to force him to make a move on his own. He lightly taps his desks, "What do you want me to do then, hyung?"

"Can you please go talk to him? I know it'll be hard and Taeyong and Ten might– wait no – they’re gonna definitely rip off my hair if they find out about this but _please_. Doyoung, as Jaehyun's best friend, I'm asking your help to gain his sanity back. Not only is it affecting him but everyone around him, the corporation is at stake as well Doyoung."

Doyoung looks at his lap, not even daring to look Johnny in the eye knowing how desperate he wanted Doyoung to go and talk to Jaehyun. Seeing Johnny in his office _pleading_ Doyoung to go to his best friend was not something Doyoung expected to see in his lifetime. Doyoung releases the breath unaware he was holding it in all this time. He feels guilty, he caused this.

"I don't know, hyung… I don't think it'll be a good idea. It's gonna probably make matters even worse"

"No, no. It won't, trust me. I just feel like Jaehyun just needs closure from this. From you," Johnny says looking at Doyoung with determination in his eyes.

He frowns but he understands what Johnny said. It made sense and maybe it was better if he and Jaehyun did have some closure since, after all, Doyoung did leave him so suddenly. He nods, "I'll think about it, hyung. I'll text you okay?"

Johnny gives Doyoung a smile, it's small but Doyoung could feel the appreciation seep out through it. 

**❀❀❀**

****

Doyoung opens his eyes for the nth time that night. He’s been tossing and turning for the past hour already, attempting to sleep but evidently failing every single time. Johnny’s visit has been on his mind the whole day ever since he got off of work. He went straight to his room when he got home since his best friends were on vacation at Jeju and Doyoung did not want to bother them. So here he was, contemplating on whether or not he should just give Johnny his answer so he could get it off his mind already.

He was narrowing the pro’s and con’s on meeting Jaehyun. _Pro_ , he and Jaehyun would finally end this in a proper way. _Con_ , he and Jaehyun might not end up talking. _Pro_ , it would finally release the frustrations Doyoung has been hiding since they broke up. Con, he might accidentally release a _different_ kind of frustration with Jaehyun. 

There was a lot at stake for the both of them but all Doyoung wanted was to get rid of all the unsettling things they had, it bothered him that much. So with a heavy heart, Doyoung reached for his phone that was on the nightstand and looked for an old contact. He finds it, he clicks onto it and starts drafting a message. When he sends his message, he tucks again into his comforter comfortably and attempts to regain all the sleep he lost from thinking too much. Somehow it eases Doyoung’s mind and he falls into a deep slumber, another wish that a nightmare won’t attack him.

_**doyo_01** _  
_**00:19** _  
_hey hyung_  
_**00:20** _  
_i thought abt it_  
_and i think im good to talk with him_

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/suntokkis?s=09) || [cc](https://curiouscat.me/suntokkis)


End file.
